Sometimes I wonder if the reason why I don't have a really good social life like I did for the last 3 years. I wonder what has changed over this last year. Like, what has been the main reason why I am not as social as I was last year, two years ago, or even 6 months ago??
Alot has changed over my last year even. Last year I was still trying to get over the fact that Brandon broke my heart so badly last summer. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I didn't think that anyone could or ever would love me as much as Brandon did. He was a nice guy at first. They all were. Things escalated and we got too physical WAY too fast. I felt as if I had to do those physical things with guys to be accepted. I didn't think anyone could love me for my personality, what I believed in, or what I knew. This happened for a good 6 months, not just once but many times. I had more heartbreak in that short amount of time than anyone should. There was a guy who I knew cared about me and I cared about him but he couldn't commit to being in a serious relationship with me. He came over when it was good for him. I was THAT girl. I went dancing with friends one night, met a guy, we made out, and I haven't spoken to him since. I was THAT girl. I met a guy online. We shared many likes and dislikes, went to a movie, and he was my boyfriend that night. He met my best friend and she could tell he was just using me. I was THAT girl. I was always THAT girl, you know the ones who don't do things for them or what THEY want to do but what their guy wants to do.
I see so many girls in our day who are THOSE girls and they are unhappy with where their life is going; just like I was. I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel and wondered if I could ever be loved again. I mean, truly cared about. Not just he loves me for my butt or tummy or eyes or the way I kiss. But loves me because I am a daughter of God who wants to be married in the temple the right way with the right guy. Because he wants me for who I am on the outside and on the inside. He sees the beauty in my smile and what I want to do with my life. So many girls are being used to be accepted by guys and they think there is no way out. Well, I'm sorry there is a way out.
My way out came in the first part of June. :) I had no idea that it would be like this but I am so in love, more than I have ever been in my entire life. I think it may have all started with losing my job at Babies R Us.
For days and weeks, I sat in my room alone wondering if things were ever going to change. No job, no boyfriend, no money... I thought all was lost. I wrote a blog post in May telling everyone who cared about me that I didn't need them controlling me anymore. I did that for acceptance from ONE guy. One guy who I thought loved me for real. I knew that when i lost my job that things were going to be different and they definately were, with everyone. I never went home because I wasn't going to let my parents control what I was doing. I blew off Jenny numerous times because I knew she would tell me to stop hanging out with this guy. So I would go to him, looking for something but getting nothing. He had been divorced for 2 months so he didn't want to commit to me, he just wanted me there for the action. I was THAT girl. That was the girl who I have grown to hate. I basically told my family and friends to go to hell, and that I didn't care what they had to say, because I was "happy" with my life. Does that sound happy to you? Driving an hour to be played with? With nothing in return? Well, I wasn't. I know that now.
More than ever I wish I could take back some of the things I did and said, but I don't want to take back that experience. I wouldn't have known what a blessing my family and Jenny is. I wouldn't be writing this blog post now telling you that I know now that I AM the happiest I have ever been in my life. I have a man who loves me for who I am on the outside and the inside. I have a man who supports me and is proud of the woman I have become and am becoming. I have a man, even though he is miles and miles away, I know he loves me so much and he tells me alot. I will never go back to being THAT girl. I am now THIS girl and I'm lovin' it! :)
5 comments:
Emily, I almost cried reading that. You have come such a long way, and I can truly see the change in your eyes. I love you so much and I am so grateful for everything you do for me. We may not talk much anymore, but know that you are so amazing in my eyes. I don't know how you got through what you did. But I thank those who helped you, mainly your wonderful boyfriend Chris :)
Love you always Em!!
I'm glad you found who you really are! Love u.
I am glad you came around. I too had to learn things the hard way but I love where I am in my life right now. Just remember the only constant in your life is your Heavenly Father, he will never leave your side or stop loving you. Next to that you have your family. They may not have loved what you were doing with your life during that time but they still loved you. I hope you live life to the fullest and find that man that will take you to the temple for time and eternity. It is well worth the wait if it is needed. The funny thing is that one friend of mine that has always stuck with me even in the hard times is named Jenny (I am pretty sure you know who she is). I miss you family.
em. I am so proud of you. You are such an amazing person. I look up to you so much. You are a very lucky girl to have Chris in your life. Love you always!!!!
Everything in life happens for a reason. We have all done stupid things, and things that we might regret but when looking back on taught us so much. We become who we are supposed to be in this life through the things we experience and how we handle them. I am so glad that things are going so well for you! And I am so glad that Chris is so good for you :)
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