Life has been tough this last month.... time for an update!!!

WELL...... the last month I had was a crazy one!!! On the first day of June, I got fired from Babies R Us. It was a hard thing for me and I've been jobless ever since. I tried looking for jobs but didn't really try looking hard enough. Today, I got the motivation I needed, my mom threatening to take away two of my most favorite things...cell phone and her car back. I was devasatated. Never had I thought in one day I could have lost it all. From this day forward I have to prove to her that I CAN and WILL get a job and she WILL be proud of me again. I prayed alot today too which that hasn't been on my top priority list either but I prayed and I asked Heavenly Father to let something happen to get me to get a job. About an hour later, I got a call from Michaels and have an interview set up for tomorrow at 3pm! I applied at 7 different places today which include, Wal Mart, Shopko, Aeropostale, The Childrens Place, Motherhood Maternity, Archivers (scrapbooking store), and Deseret Book. All fun places to work!!! So if any one of these called me back I would gladly take them. Lots of tears have been shed today but my main goal is to make her happy and proud of me again. I don't need friends or any BOY (which that gets me in my most trouble anyways) to make me happy just as long as she is completely happy with what I am doing that is all that matters to me right now. I know she will read this and probably still have some steam coming out of her ears but I still love her and I want her to know how lucky I am to have a mother like her. Who wants nothing more than for me to succeed and be happy. And I want nothing more than to do that for her. I love her more than anything in this world and want her to be proud of me. I can't say that enough but I so do! For the last year she has put up with ALOT of my crap, and I never once stopped to thank her for being by my side helping me become a better woman. She is my hero and my best friend. A true woman of faith, virtue, knowledge, divine nature, good works, integrity, self worth, love, charity, and most of all her testimony. I'm crying as I type this because if you all knew how much she has gone through you would have given up on me a long time ago, but she never did and I hope she never will. MOM, I want to be your little girl. I want you to see the light I had in my eyes back. I want you to be proud of me and I want you to be involved in my life. I've messed up big time but I want you to know that I am so sorry for ever hurting you or disappointing you in any way. I'm gonna grow up now, ok? I'm 21 years old, its about damn time I do. Thanks for opening my eyes to see what a screw up I've been this last month. I'm gonna rock that interview tomorrow. :)

JENNY LYNN OSTLER... MY BEST FRIEND!

Well, here I go again blogging. I thought a few months back that I blogged about Leah Miller one of my best friends that I should blog about Jenny, my other best friend. Here we go, J.O. this is for you! By the way, I went and took all of these pics from my tagged pictures on Facebook, went and edited them on picnik.com, and then posted them all on here. These are just all of the many pics and many faces and adventures that Jenny and I went on. And all the songs are songs we have listened to in the car or at her house and just aren't as fun to listen to with other people. Its a pretty random playlist but I decided to put them on here. Have fun!

Shotgun Shooting with friends!

Jenny really brings out the best in me! I mean, by this goofy smile I'm sporting, you can tell we always have a good time. One of my best and favorite memories was playing Phase 10. I always went to her apartment with my game on but she always beat me. Guess she was "more lucky" or just a good player. But I loved going there and playing Phase 10 and just laughing and talking about our eventful days or sometimes uneventful. I always know that I can have a good laugh whenever we are together.

Isn't she beautiful?

This picture is one of Jenny's favorites. It always makes me laugh when I see it. She is a goofball at times. WELL... lets introduce you all to JENNY LYNN OSTLER if you don't know who she is. Jenny is from Alpine, Utah where she currently lives until the fall where she will move back to Provo to go back to her second year at UVU, still studying Psychology. She works at a place in Salt Lake City called OKManufacturing. She has 4 sisters and 3 brothers. She is 3rd in line and is a good example to her younger siblings. She graduated from Lone Peak High School in 2008. She has a lot of friends and people really dig her bubbly outgoing personality. She is honest and caring and would give her life for anyone. I love her oh so much!

Dancin' on tables was always a good time!

Throwing the Deuces!

I'm Ben. She's Jerry. We are a team. We go together like PB&J. Our personalities are so similar but different. I think that's how we get along so good. I can be myself when I am with Jenny. She brings out this side to me that I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not when I am with her. Who wouldn't want a friend like that?

Just Being Silly!

4-Wheeling in Oak City! Yes, she came to Oak City. She surprisingly LOVED it! I mean who wouldn't? :D

Jenny, J.O., JenJen, Jerry, J to the O, I love you girly! I know I haven't been the best of example to you the past few weeks but I just want to let you know that I love you and I care about you more than you even know. You've taught me more about myself than I would have ever known about myself. Thank you for always being there for me and showing that you care about me. I couldn't ask for a better best friend and I am so glad I have you to help lift me up and make me smile. You're the best Jenny O!

Remembering...It is Memorial Day after all....

For the past few weeks, I've reflected on my life and what I've done to make me who I am today; and when I die that the people I want will remember what a good person I was because of the choices I made. Today was a good day to think about those who've made a legacy for me to live up to and also just a day to remember those who passed on that I once cared about so much.

I thought a lot about my grandparents. I didn't get to know my grandpa Christensen very well because he died when I was only 5 years old but I know that he was a great man and loved his family very much. My grandma Christensen passed away a week after my 18th birthday. I have many memories of her and keep them close to my heart. She loved to quilt and has made me a lot of quilts throughout my lifetime. She had the kind of attitude that you always wanted to be around and always had a good story to tell or wanted to hear a good story so she could tell someone else. I love and miss them both dearly.

One person that has stuck out a lot in my mind today that I just cant get out of my head is my ex boyfriend Craig. Craig died on February 4, 2009. He was battling addictions and just couldn't be saved. I had a lot of firsts with Craig and as much as it didn't end so good, I sometimes miss all the fun times we had together. I remember our first date, he took me to see Baby Mama at the theater. I remember he was so shy that he didn't hold my hand until about 15 minutes left in the show. We continued the date at my apartment and watched Bourne Ultimatum. The next day he was my boyfriend and I was really happy about that. We dated for about 4 weeks and I decided I needed a better guy. So I told him I never wanted to see or talk to him ever again. He agreed and as bad as it sounds I got my wish. Sometimes, now I wish I could have been there for him and been a better example but other times I know that he is in a better place. He had a good heart and I know would give it to anyone if they asked for it. His smile lit up a room and he knew how to make me laugh.

I hope that one day when I've passed on that those who knew me are happy they did and those who didn't wish they did. I live my life one day at a time and see many trials but I'm learning to be big and make big decisions. A smile goes a long way and this whole getting up an hour early to do hair and put on makeup thing has boosted more confidence in myself than anyone could imagine. Or maybe cause when I do get ready I have a hot guy telling me I look beautiful but still. I'm the most happy I've been in a LONG time. And I don't want it to stop. MY LIFE ROCKS!

Wont Let You...

With that, I've felt like I've been this case that everyone wants to work on and help out. If my life wasn't bad enough I have you on my case wanting to know every detail and then trying to help. What I hate more than someone saying "they completely understand and know what I'm going through" is someone who thinks they can help by controlling what I do and how I live my life. I've gone through all of this before with people trying to control my life so that I do all I can to be how they want me to be so I can fit in with them, and I'm not about to do that all again. Like it or not, I am who I am and don't want to be changed to be like you and don't especially appreciate these trips of guilt I've been put on. I do listen to everything you've said to me and all the advice and your insights on things, but you can't change me. I can't be like you so stop trying to convert me to be like you. I haven't completely given up on myself as much as you think I have. I'm not selling myself short or settling, I'm TRYING! Is that so bad? To try to find out who I am and why I'm here and what I'm doing with my life? Is there something so horrible with that, that you can't grasp or understand? Of course I'm going to have my struggles and heartache but thats something we all go through at one point in our lives. I haven't lost faith in what I believe in, if I did I wouldn't be trying and going to church every Sunday I can. At least I have that. I've lost a lot of things but no one can take away my faith and what I know to be true. Can't you just understand that I need to experience things on my own and make those mistakes for myself? I'm the one doing the action and I will be the one reaping the consequences later on. I've kept this in for so long and I wont let you think you can control me anymore. You DON'T understand what I'm going through, you're not in my shoes so stop pretending to be. Let me find out who I am and then love me for who I am and stop trying to change who I am and what I do. You say you'll love me for whatever decisions I make but when I make the one that YOU don't like I feel like your love only decreases and I become that psychology case. No one wants to feel like they are some sort of "case" to their friends. I want to be myself and have you love me for who I am and what I'm trying to do. I'll figure it out someday. I have the faith that I will and so should you. Quit thinking I'm going to change overnight, this life isn't easy, I'm figuring that out more and more everyday but things only become lighter when I'm myself and doing what I love doing. Is that so wrong? I don't think so.

UPDATE!

Hey! I'm updating my blog cause Mom has been hounding me to update! So I'll update you on whats happened the last few weeks and what's going to happen in the weeks to come.

Last weekend, we had family pictures. I think they turned out good. Dad and Mom wanted to do them outside but the sky had a mind of its own and decided to dump water all over the state of Utah that day. Luckily, the cheerleaders at the high school had their fundraiser which was family pictures (how ironic). So we go in and they had an opening to we had 10 big people and 5 little people get their picture taken in white shirts and jeans.

I've been going home a lot lately because of conference, Easter, and mission homecomings. Its been nice to be home and stay more than one day. My parents and my relationship has become stronger and I feel like I can be more honest with them and not hold back like I had been.

For the last two weeks on Fridays-Tuesdays, I've been staying up WAY past my bedtime. 'Did Em get a new job is that why she's been staying up so late', you ask? HAHA no, that would be a miracle haha. But I've been talking with this great guy that I met online. That is the time he works and pretty much the only time he can really talk. So every night starting at 11pm, I am on Facebook chat well into the night. There have only been 2 times in the whole 2 weeks that I've stayed up his entire shift talking to him. (Shift ends at 7am) But so Dave and I have established that we like each other and things are going great. Who knows where this relationship will take us but we both are still in the "getting to know you" phase so thats just what I intend to do.

The next few weeks are going to be spend working my butt off to get money saved for summer. I plan on going on a lot of trips with Dave and other friends so I'll need that money to play. I'm moving to Village on the Parkway this Thursday, in two days, and dont have a lot packed! My roomates have told me they are leaving but they haven't started to pack. Let's hope I can get all or most of it packed tonight and tomorrow and work and hang out with Jenny and Dave inbetween it all too. BUSY BUSY! But I love it!

Is that a good update Mom? :D

Time For A Change...

Well... Obama has promised this for a while and I'm not seeing anything so I'm stepping up to the plate and making my own changes. Are they good for me? Do I know if I will be happy? I dont know, but I need some sort of change right now.

First of all, I'm MOVING!!!! Ok, not too far, just across the street to another apartment complex called Village on the Parkway. They've told me that the ward is better over there and the bishop is AWESOME! I have big expectations so we'll see if this is a better or a worse change for me. I've lived here for a really long time and feel like I need this change. I have about 3 weeks to pack and be out of here too. Looking around seeing how much stuff I have, I wonder how much of it will fit in my cavelier. We'll see in about 20 days! :)

Still looking for a job! How long have I been doing this now? 4 months, 5? 6? I dont know! I really want a new/additional job, especially for the summertime when I will have all this free time and to do what? Spend money I dont have? Lay out and ruin my body by giving it cancer? I NEED A NEW JOB!!!!!

I'm going to focus more of my time on the gospel and studying the scriptures! I've been looking for happiness in all of the wrong places, aka BOYS! I dont need a guy to make me happy. I, first have to find out who I am and what's best for ME before I let someone take my heart and just break it. So I'm going to rely more on the Lord and have faith that he can heal my broken heart. I've made a goal to read The Book of Mormon by my 22nd birthday. (Yes I know, thats not till December but its still a goal right?)

I'm going to listen to what my family has to say! Especially with dating/relationships, my happiness, and well being. I need to be that example for my family. I need to live up to my name. I've always loved that, 'live up to your name'. Make my ancestors proud of me and my future family proud of me too.

CHANGE IS GOOD!!!! LET'S SEE IF I CAN DO IT!!!!!

The Lesson I Learned This Past Weekend..

Saturday, I went back home to Oak City to ride four wheelers with my friend Jenny! It was a little windy so we didn't get to ride for that long. When we got back I called my sister Jennie and asked if she was going to come up with the kids since it had been 2 weeks since I had seen them. Of course she said yes! I was so happy! They came up and Madelyn was acting like her normal cute self, which always puts a smile on my face. We watched Pinnochio and ate hot dogs. Just a normal night, right? As Jenny and I were leaving, we gave hugs and kisses. Then Madelyn does this thing where she says, "Oh and one more thing!" Then does or says whatever she needs to before she leaves. Ok, so we are walking to the car and she says, "Oh Em, one more thing...!" Then has me lean down so she can whisper a secret in my ear. I didn't understand what she was trying to say so I'm like, "WHAT!?" Then she says the lesson learned out loud so everyone can hear. Here it is, "Em you have to be an example to your friend Jenny!" Now, doesnt that just break your heart!? Ok, well it broke mine!

I haven't been the best example to Jenny or any of my other friends the past few weeks, and it's taken a 3 &1/2 year old to help me realize that and to change my life around so I can be. Madelyn has always been that way though. She knows how to say something that will make me think of what I need to do to change. I don't want her to get big. I dont want her to make mistakes like I have. I love her soo much. She definately is one of God's precious children like we all are but her spirit is definately pure and clean. I love Madelyn!

Honesty Award... Tagged by Jami

Rules for the Honest Scrap award -The honorees are to: A) First list 10 honest things about yourself - and make it interesting, even if you have to dig deep! B) Pass the award on to 7 bloggers that you feel embody the spirit of the Honest Scrap.

1. I am a serious pack rat. I keep every little thing. At one point in time it had a significant meaning to me so I keep it. Old papers, birthday cards, magazines, old bottles, etc.

2. I spend way too much time on Facebook. I know what you are doing, when you are doing it, who you're doing something with, and want to look at pics when you put them on about what you did. I change my status at least 6 times a day because I am constantly doing something different.

3. Pepsi is a serious addiction of mine. I have at least one a day and if I don't have one I am craving to get one. I can definately taste the difference between Pepsi & Coke and will not drink Coke to save my life. (I mean, literally, Pepsi saves my life) I don't even know what I love about it, it's definately NOT healthy for me but I still love it. Wild Cherry all the way! I love Pepsi Twist with Lemon though too but they got rid of it.

4. I usually keep to myself when I am feeling down. I don't like to let others comfort me in my time of pain. I become very anti-social which friends think I am mad at them or something. I'm not mad at you, I just need time to be alone and think.

5. I have this fettish for putting black and brown things together. Don't do it! Ever! The other day I put on a brown shirt and had black fingernails. Instead of changing shirts, I changed my nails. My biggest thing is brown shoes with black pants! Blaah! Just the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. I've always been like this and I don't know why.

6. I am 21 years old and still afraid of the dark. I have to sleep with a nightlight or some sort of light in the room. Also, when I'm walking in the dark, I have to turn on a light or shine my phone to make a little light so I can see where I'm going. I know it sounds pretty crazy but I am afraid of the dark.

7. I have over 100 CD's. Most of them are mixes and have the same songs on them too. If anyone would like to set up a donation fund for money to buy me an I-Pod so I can get rid of some CD's that would be greatly appreciated.

8. I don't care about my appearance as much as I should. I would go to Wal Mart with dirty sweats, not showered yet, no make up, or hair done and I wouldn't care who gave me dirty looks. But when I do get all glammed up, I look really pretty.

9. I have over 15 best friends. These are the people that I do things with on a regular basis and if I had any problems I would go to them. I can't have just ONE best friend because all of my friends are the best. They've all been such great examples to me and been so sweet and nice to me, that I can't have just one. I have some that are more favorited than others but that just means the rest of you need to step it up.

AND... 10. I could never lose my faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Satan could never get me to fall away from what I know to be true. I've seen so many miracles in my life to let go of something so dear to my heart. I have been so blessed to know the truth and would never want to lose the blessings I have now because of what I know.

I tag, Leah, Bobbie, Melissa, Holly, Sarah Dziuk, K-Grenk, & Cassidy! HAVE FUN YA'LL!

Draper Temple Open House/ AMAZING!

Yesterday my ward and I went to the Draper Temple Open House. It was AMAZING! It's been a LONG time since I've been in the temple and being in this one gave me so much peace and comfort. It was really weird because you are just walking through and dont really stop much, so the tour was only about a half hour. But still it was pretty awesome. One of the things I LOVED in it, was the color of the wood. They told us on the bus before we drove up there that it was some sort of cherry wood from Africa. It looked so pretty. Also, as we were going in the celestial room, I closed my eyes and had my friend guide me in the room, and as I did that I opened my eyes and it was sooo awesome. I felt like I was in heaven for a small minute. I could definately feel the Spirit and God's love around me when I was in that room.

I love to see the temple! Going to see this one opened my eyes to know that I do want to get married in the temple and always have those blessings. I couldn't see myself getting married anywhere else but the temple. It was so amazing!!

Everything Happens For A Reason... What That Reason Is, I've Yet To Find Out.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." (Marilyn Monroe)

While looking online I found this quote and instantly loved it and thought I should blog about it! At least share my thoughts!

I also believe everything happens for a reason. I've always thought that way. It all depends on what we do with what happens to us, will determine the outcome. I've had my share of heartbreaks. The one that always sticks out to me that I can't get my mind off is Brandon. You know when your life goes completely wrong, then there is that ONE person that helps make it seem not so bad? Brandon was that person for me. I trusted him. But we changed, both of us. We had to learn to let each other go. I think it was a lot easier for him. I still have yet to let go. One of my favorite lines from a Katy Perry song says, "How do I get better, once I've had the best." I love that because it's so true. I thought I had the best when I had Brandon because I trusted him. But us breaking up is best for both of us. I'm beginning to see that. At first I didn't understand WHY but now I am understanding that there is BETTER than him. I just haven't found him yet. But I'm still looking! ;)

I love in this quote where it says, "eventually learn to trust no one but yourself." I love that and I've noticed it ringing truth in my life. I understand that people are entitled to their own opinions but I trust myself and I'm beginning to realize that people don't ever fully understand what one is going through. No one completely understands what heartache and pain I've had to go through for the last 9 months. No one ever will. I've noticed that if I go to the Lord first with my problems that everything seems to work better and fall into place easier. Instead of going to my friends, and crying about my problems; I'm going to the Lord. He is the only one that KNOWS me more than I know me. He knows what is best for me and wants to make it happen. I just have to let him.

Also in the quote where it says, "sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." That is so true. I'm waiting and looking for that one person who will make all my dreams come true. Who will sweep me off my feet and carry me away and all my cares will just vanish because I have him. But for now, I belong to me. My happiness is what makes me go. What makes me wake up in the morning, wondering what crazy random thing will happen to me and make me a better person because I lived it. I love my life right now. I love being single. I love my friends and my amazing family. I love knowing that I am loved and I don't have to have a box of chocolates or flowers telling me that I am. Because my friends and family tell me everyday. That is what I live for.